I am Rebecca Read online

  Instead of answering me, he reached out and touched my cheek. ‘We’d have been good together. I’m truly sorry.’ Then he was gone.

  Sister Judith came storming out. ‘Sister Rebecca! You will confess your immodest behaviour to your father. Talking to your betrothed in secret. Letting him touch you!’

  Rachel had her arm around me. ‘Sister Judith, please stop. It is not kind or seemly to speak like that to my sister right now. I am going to take her home.’

  IT TOOK DAYS for the fuss to die down — many days and thousands of tears. Mother put my wedding dress away. Father, his face sterner than usual, said, ‘I am sorry, Rebecca. I believed him to be a good man.’

  ‘I thought so too.’ I was angry — angry with Malachi for abandoning me and furious with Elder Stephen for making him do it. I hid my true feelings from my parents. I couldn’t bear the thought of Father praying over me, begging the Lord to send me acceptance of my lot.

  Abraham was furious too, but not with Malachi. When our parents weren’t around he said, ‘It’s Elder Stephen’s fault. The Lord guided him! Yeah right.’

  Luke gave me a piece of blue sea-glass he’d found. ‘I’m sorry, Rebecca. I’m sorry you’re sad.’

  Magdalene said very little, but she stayed close to me or Rachel, holding our skirts when she could. Only Zillah was her usual wilful self.

  But life had to go on. At school the day after he’d left, Sister Anna said, ‘I am sorry for your loss, Rebecca. I have prayed for you.’

  ‘Thank you, Sister Anna.’

  At break, I sat as usual with our friends in a far corner of the rough grounds. Tirzah took my hands. ‘I am so sorry, Rebecca. Laban told me he asked his father to reconsider. But Elder Stephen said it was the will of the Lord.’

  Drusilla said, ‘David said he couldn’t understand it. It doesn’t make sense to take Malachi away from the gardens.’

  Abigail was silent and looked uncomfortable. Rachel prodded her with a finger. ‘What? What is it you don’t want to tell us?’

  Abigail shook her head. ‘It’s nothing.’

  ‘Please tell me,’ I said. ‘My imagination will come up with something far worse if you don’t.’

  She sighed. ‘Very well. But it’s no more than a thought — a suspicion. My father said he wonders if Elder Stephen has done this because he knew Malachi would leave if he couldn’t work in the gardens. My father—’

  Rachel prodded her again. ‘Keep going. You have to finish it now.’

  ‘My father thinks Elder Stephen wants Ira married again.’

  I just sat there, shaking my head. ‘No. Not that. I couldn’t.’

  Abigail snatched my hand. ‘Rebecca! It’s all right — please, it’s probably not true.’

  Drusilla said, ‘It doesn’t make sense. Malachi’s knowledge was much more valuable than Ira’s. Why not just get rid of Ira?’

  ‘Ira must be valuable to Elder Stephen, though,’ Rachel said. ‘There’s nobody else with his computer skills.’

  ‘There would be if the Elders would let us go to proper schools,’ Tirzah muttered. Then she blushed — Elder Stephen was going to be her father-in-law. She jumped to her feet. ‘Break’s over. Rebecca, I’ll ask Laban if he knows anything about the Ira thing.’

  ‘Would you?’

  I did no useful study for the rest of the day. I couldn’t marry Ira but, if I refused him, I would be marked forever as someone who went against the will of the Lord. I would be looked down on, treated with contempt. For a woman, refusing to marry meant she was refusing to fulfil the Lord’s purpose for her. I would lose the respect of all except for those who really loved me. The Elders would never give me another chance.

  I’d be like Talitha, neither of us fitting comfortably into the adult world or into the world of children. Like her, I would have to respond the moment anyone said they needed me. She was happy to live a life of selfless service. I was not. I wanted my future back.

  That night, Rachel said, ‘You can’t marry Ira, Rebecca. You simply can’t. Make Father protect you. Talitha’s family protected her, and Elder Stephen listened.’

  I leaned against her. ‘Do you think Father would refuse to obey Elder Stephen though? He’d say it was the will of the Lord.’

  ‘Make Mother support you,’ said my fierce sister. ‘She might do it too. Think about those petticoats — it just shows she can go against Father if she really wants to.’

  I let out a huge sigh. ‘I’m going to miss you so much.’

  ‘We can still talk. I won’t be far away.’

  Saul had found them a house about fifteen minutes’ walk from ours. But it wouldn’t be the same. My sister would be a married woman and her first loyalty would be to her husband.

  WE HAD TO WAIT until after the midday meal on Sunday to discover from Tirzah if Laban had any news about the Ira question. Talitha shooed us outside. ‘I’ll keep an eye on this lot. Off you go, all of you.’

  Tirzah settled a small girl on a swing, talking as she did so. ‘No joy, I’m afraid. He asked if Ira would ever be considered again as a fit husband, but his father told him it wasn’t his concern and to trust in the will of the Lord. Then Elder Stephen prayed for him to be an obedient son and not to question the will of the Lord or his Elders. He said he was on his knees for half an hour at least.’

  A good way to stop your kids asking questions.

  A week ago, I’d have been ashamed of that thought. Now I wasn’t — I felt the truth of it. ‘Please thank him for me, Tirzah. It was kind of him.’

  Her face brightened. ‘He is kind. He’s more like Sister Jerushah than Elder Stephen. He grieves for her terribly.’

  Drusilla said, ‘Ira’s still married to Kezia. They’d have to get divorced before he can marry again. Doesn’t that take ages? Years and years?’

  ‘It could take forever if they can’t find her,’ Abigail said.

  ‘Please pray for that,’ I said.

  WE LEFT SCHOOL when we turned sixteen at the end of June. The weddings would take place in four weeks. Those of us looking after the children were allowed to attend the wedding service if either the bride or groom was a family member. Rachel said, ‘I’ll understand if you want to stay away.’

  ‘I’ll be there. I want to wish you both well. I don’t want to miss your wedding, Rachel.’

  It took all the strength of my will to get through those weeks. The thing that gave me the courage to face each day was knowing Rachel hurt for me just as much as I hurt for myself. It wasn’t fair. She should have been able to enjoy these last days with her family. She should have been able to look forward with unclouded happiness to becoming Saul’s wife.

  Tirzah, Drusilla and Abigail were careful around me as the wedding day grew nearer. I’d almost have preferred it if they’d chatted happily about their dresses, their honeymoon plans and the houses their men had found for them.

  Talitha was the only one other than Rachel who didn’t find it awkward to be in my presence. After Malachi left, she’d said, ‘I’m sorry, Rebecca. I will pray for you.’ And from then on, she behaved as usual. I sought out her company at the nursery. She was soothing to be around. It was comforting to know I’d still have a friend when the others moved into their new lives.

  The wedding preparations followed the custom of our people. The Monday two weeks before the weddings was the day the young couples went to the city to buy the girls’ wedding rings. They were always accompanied by their mothers.

  I put a smile on my face as Father drove them away. My task was to care for Zillah. I took her to the park, where I pushed her swing higher than would be thought seemly. We whirled until we were giddy on the merry-go-round. Zillah laughed and shouted.

  ‘Enjoy it while you can, little sister,’ I whispered.

  On the last Sunday before the weddings, I dawdled in the playground at lunchtime, trying to think of an excuse to stay outside. Rachel came looking for me.

  ‘Laban wants to talk to you. He’s looking pretty worried, Rebe
cca.’ She looked worried too.

  We hurried inside, pretending not to see Sister Judith’s scowl.

  I slipped into the empty seat beside Laban. He talked without looking at me — Sister Judith would put a stop to any conversation between a girl and boy who weren’t betrothed.

  ‘Sister Rebecca, Father told me a lawyer representing Kezia has sent divorce papers to Ira.’ He glanced at Sister Judith, who was still glaring in our direction. ‘I asked him if he thought Ira should marry again. He said the subject was not something I needed to concern myself about. I am sorry, I would have liked to bring you better news.’

  He looked so unhappy I forgot my own distress for a moment. ‘Thank you for trying. It was good of you.’

  ‘You can’t marry Ira,’ Rachel whispered fiercely later.

  I didn’t answer. We could be wrong. I prayed Elder Stephen wouldn’t ask such a sacrifice of me.

  ALL WEEK, MOTHER, Rachel, Magdalene and I worked to make Rachel’s house ready. We hung the curtains we’d made, cleaned every room and every cupboard. It wasn’t a new house, but Saul had made it beautiful for her by painting the kitchen a cheerful creamy colour. The other rooms were also freshly painted. He was proud of his handiwork. ‘Not bad skills for a builder, eh!’

  He and his family worked on the garden, helped by Zillah. They were very patient with her — she made them laugh. We ate lunch together at the new dining table and I concentrated on being happy to see my sister’s joy.

  Late on the evening before her wedding she climbed up onto my bed. ‘I want you to promise me something.’

  ‘Of course. If I can.’

  ‘You must promise me you won’t marry Ira.’

  ‘I’ve thought about that — of course I have. But Rachel, if I refused I’d have to live the rest of my life with our parents. I’d never have children of my own.’

  ‘Wouldn’t that be better than marrying a man you dislike? A man you can’t respect? Remember how he spoke to us that day? The name he called us? Do you want to live with that for the rest of your life?’

  ‘No, of course I don’t.’ How could she even think it?

  ‘And about kids — they could all turn out like him. Had you thought about that?’

  I had to laugh. ‘All right! I get the message. You’re allowed to shoot me if I even think about having him for a husband.’

  She lay down beside me and we fell asleep in the same bed for the last time.

  Twenty-four

  The Rule

  Women will dress modestly and plainly, and at all times will behave in a seemly manner. They will cover their hair in public. They will never bring attention to themselves. It is their duty to bear and nurture children.

  THE NEXT MORNING I was calm. ‘This is your wedding day, Rachel. Please think of Saul, not me.’

  She kissed me, and neither of us mentioned the promises of the night before. Mother and I helped her dress. Magdalene fingered the petticoat. ‘It is so pretty.’

  Nobody would catch even a glimpse of it. Mother gave her the white slip-on shoes she’d worn for her own wedding. I gave her the handkerchief I’d embroidered with R and S intertwined.

  Last of all, Mother pinned the veil on her hair. ‘There! You are ready. Rebecca, take her into the lounge. You may sit with her until it is time to leave.’

  She hurried away, taking Magdalene with her. I curtsied to my sister, holding out my arm to escort her. She took a step. ‘Ouch! My feet must be at least a whole size bigger than Mother’s!’

  ‘Do you want me to tell her? But what could you wear instead?’ We only had our heavy black lace-ups — not exactly a match for a wedding dress.

  Rachel smiled. ‘No. She was so happy to think I would be wearing them. She’s been saving them for such a long time.’

  I wondered which of us she’d have given them to if I’d been getting married today as well. We could have had one each. Stupid thoughts.

  Those precious minutes with my sister in the lounge were the last we’d have when we were truly the same, alike in experience as well as looks. We didn’t try to talk. Rachel was excited and her dreams were in her eyes. I was relieved to be silent. I didn’t want to distress her with tears.

  When it was time to go, Abraham and Luke each took one of Rachel’s hands to escort her to the car. She walked without limping. Magdalene carried the bouquet of flowers. I should have done it for my sister now I wasn’t getting married, but Magdalene had so looked forward to her role that neither of us could bear to take it from her. Father smiled at Rachel, opened the car door and helped her in. Today, she sat in the front with him so as not to crease her dress.

  Zillah said, ‘I want flowers too.’

  ‘You can have flowers when you get married. That’s a promise,’ Abraham said.

  Father didn’t correct him for shortening his words, and Zillah seemed satisfied. I told myself it was a good beginning to the day and a sign I’d get through it without disgracing my family if I focused on the small, happy things.

  Father timed our drive to the temple so that we would arrive at exactly the right time for him to lead Rachel in for the wedding service. Mother and the rest of us slipped inside with the families of the other girls to be married. There were four of them in their long white dresses. Four, not five.

  Think of Rachel. Don’t cry. Don’t give the people reason to pity you.

  One after the other, each couple spoke their vows.

  Laban and Tirzah were first, as befitted the son of our leader. Elder Stephen conducted the service. ‘Laban Righteous, who is the woman you take for your wife?’

  ‘I take Tirzah Loyal to be my wife.’ Laban turned to face her. ‘I promise to take care of you. I promise to raise our children to love the Lord and obey the Rule.’

  Elder Stephen spoke to Tirzah. ‘Tirzah Loyal, do you promise to be an obedient wife to Laban Righteous? Do you promise to raise your children to love the Lord and obey the Rule?’

  Tirzah bowed her head. ‘I give you my promise.’

  Laban took her hand to slide the wedding ring onto her finger. ‘I give you this ring as the symbol of my promise to you and to the Lord.’

  She responded, ‘I wear this ring as the symbol of my promise to you and to the Lord.’

  Elder Stephen held up his arms to bless them. ‘The Lord smiles on this union. Brother Laban, Sister Tirzah, you are now man and wife from this day on until the end of time. Praise the Lord. Brother Laban, you may kiss your wife.’

  Tirzah lifted her head towards her husband. For a moment, he looked into her eyes to smile at her before he kissed her. It was a gentle kiss but she seemed as happy to receive it as he was to give it. This was so different from Kezia’s wedding.

  I must not think about her, especially not on this day of celebration.

  Rachel and Saul were the final couple to be married. There was joy in their voices as they spoke their vows. The length of their kiss was only just seemly. People smiled. Mother wiped tears from her eyes.

  Elder Stephen gave the signal for the couples to move around the circle to receive the good wishes of us all. To the others, I spoke the customary words, ‘I promise to pray for you and support you. I wish you well.’

  Each of the girls pressed my hands. ‘Thank you, Sister Rebecca. You too are in our prayers.’

  With Rachel, it was different. I hugged her and didn’t care that such an action went against custom. ‘You will be happy. The Lord has truly blessed you. I will love you always.’

  ‘And I you. Thank you, my dearest sister.’ She kissed me and moved on to Mother.

  Saul stood in front of me. I wished him well, then said, ‘I am so happy my sister has such a good man for her husband.’

  ‘I will care for her. Our home will be a place of love. I promise you, Sister Rebecca.’

  It was over. The whole community went outside to wave them away for their week’s honeymoon. Rachel would shed the shoes the moment their car was out of sight of the temple. The thought made me smile. T
here was just the rest of the afternoon to endure.

  That evening at dinner, Father said, ‘It is pleasing to see you have accepted the will of the Lord, Rebecca.’

  I bowed my head, but not before I saw the incredulous look Luke shot at him.

  Rachel’s absence was hard to bear. I wondered if the ache of missing her would ever fade. I felt full of tears and feared the smallest thing would let them loose. By now I should have been Malachi’s wife, and he would have been by my side as she had been.

  She had moved into a different world. We’d never again be able to talk on equal terms. She would have knowledge that would always be denied to me unless I married Ira. But I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t break my promise to my sister.

  At evening prayers I prayed we were wrong about Elder Stephen’s plans for me. I prayed too for the happiness of my sister and the other girls.

  LATE THAT WEEK a postcard arrived from Queenstown. It was a picture of snowy mountains rising above a blue lake. Rachel’s message was filled with happiness. This place is even more beautiful than the picture shows. I miss you all, my family, but my dear husband is taking good care of me. Your loving Rachel.

  Mother gave me the card to keep, but I saw the longing in Magdalene’s eyes and gave it to her.

  I missed Rachel the way I’d have missed my own right hand. Some silly little thing would happen — like Zillah chortling as she zoomed down the slide at the park — and I’d turn to share the moment with my sister. I sorely missed our late-night talks as well. Magdalene was too young to burden with the questions chafing my mind. Once, I tried talking to Mother about my future, but she just smiled and told me to put my future in the hands of the Lord.

  ‘You must trust He has a plan for you, my daughter.’

  She must have told Father, because that night he prayed for all his children to have faith in the wisdom of the Lord.

  Rachel and Saul would arrive back from their honeymoon on Saturday evening. Magdalene and I spent the morning preparing a feast for them. Zillah helped, her face tense with concentration as she peeled a potato.