I am Rebecca Read online

  When she turns 14, Rebecca will find out who she is to marry. All the girls in her strict religious sect must be married just after their 16th birthdays.

  Her twin sister Rachel desperately wants to marry the boy she’s given her heart to. All Rebecca wants is to have a husband who is kind. But both girls know the choice is not theirs to make.

  But what will the future hold for Rebecca? Is there a dark side to the rules that have kept her safe? Can the way ahead be so simple when the community is driven by secrets and hidden desires?

  This powerful psychological thriller, set in a cult community, is a sequel to the much-loved bestseller I am not Esther, which has been in print since 1998, selling internationally. Once again, award-winning Fleur Beale keeps readers on the edge of their seats with her gripping, tautly written new novel I am Rebecca.

  I am

  Rebecca

  Sequel to the bestseller I am not Esther

  Fleur Beale

  Contents

  Title Page

  Characters

  One

  Two

  Three

  Four

  Five

  Six

  Seven

  Eight

  Nine

  Ten

  Eleven

  Twelve

  Thirteen

  Fourteen

  Fifteen

  Sixteen

  Seventeen

  Eighteen

  Nineteen

  Twenty

  Twenty-one

  Twenty-two

  Twenty-three

  Twenty-four

  Twenty-five

  Twenty-six

  Twenty-seven

  Twenty-eight

  Twenty-nine

  Thirty

  Thirty-one

  Thirty-two

  Thirty-three

  Thirty-four

  About the Author

  Also by Fleur Beale

  Copyright

  Characters

  The Pilgrim family

  Caleb father

  Naomi mother

  Daniel eldest son, expelled from the family and from the Children of the Faith

  Miriam eldest daughter, also expelled

  Esther (real name Kirby Greenland) Caleb’s niece who was brought into the family. She had not been raised in the Faith and was expelled at the same time as Daniel

  Rebecca, Rachel twins, aged 13

  Abraham 11

  Luke 7

  Magdalene 5

  Zillah 5 months

  Friends of Rebecca and Rachel

  Abigail

  Tirzah

  Drusilla

  Talitha

  Kezia

  Young men of marriageable age

  Ira

  Laban

  Saul

  Barnabas

  Malachi

  David

  Three Members of the Council of 12 Elders

  Elder Stephen Leader of the Children of the Faith

  Elder Hosea second-in-command to Elder Stephen

  Elder Asa

  Women

  Sister Jerushah wife of Elder Stephen

  Sister Leah supervisor at the community’s school in Nelson

  Sister Anna supervisor at the community’s school in Nelson

  Mrs Lipscombe a worldly woman who sells sweets at the market

  Katherine Salford a nurse

  One

  The Rule

  Worldly education invites evil and corruption into the hearts and minds of children. They will leave school as soon as the law of the land permits.

  THE LETTER LAY ON THE TABLE between my plate and Rachel’s. Both our names were on the envelope — Miss Rebecca Pilgrim and Miss Rachel Pilgrim. It had been slit neatly across the top.

  ‘Who has written to us, Father?’ Rachel asked.

  ‘May we read it?’

  Our father paused in his eating. ‘When you have finished your meal and helped your mother with the chores.’

  ‘Thank you, Father.’

  The rest of breakfast passed in silence, although we could tell our younger brothers and sister were bursting with curiosity too.

  Father pushed back his chair. ‘Children, you have my permission to say goodbye to your teachers. I have informed them you will attend a godly school henceforth.’

  We were quiet until he left the room, then Abraham said, ‘Read the letter! Quick!’

  Mother shook her head at him. ‘Do you want your sisters to break the Rule by disobeying your father, Abraham? Shame on you. You can confess your sin to him, or you can do the dishes by yourself. Which do you choose?’

  He chose the dishes.

  Mother smiled at my sister and me. ‘Read the letter, daughters. Your brother will do your chores.’

  We flattened the paper on the table, where we could both see it. In a clear voice that Abraham would be able to hear from the kitchen, I began reading.

  Dear Rebecca and Rachel,

  My name is Tirzah. My father says you will be living just five minutes’ walk away from my house. We are all excited that you Wanganui people are coming to live in Nelson!! Father took me with him to look at our new school yesterday. We watched the men unload one of the pre-fabs. It was very exciting. There are three of them there now.

  I hope you have a safe journey. It is a long way to come. I hope the sea will be calm when you are on the ferry, but I think it is often stormy in July. Me and my friends are going to pray for a good trip for you.

  Anyway, I thought I would write this letter to welcome you. WELCOME FROM TIRZAH!!!

  Praise the Lord

  Your friend (soon!)

  Tirzah Loyal.

  ‘That was a kind thought,’ Mother said.

  RACHEL AND I WAITED until our classmates had left at the end of the day to speak to our teacher.

  ‘Mr Brymer, we want to thank you very much for teaching us,’ I said.

  ‘Thank you for being so kind to us, sir,’ Rachel said.

  ‘You’re terrific girls. It’s been an absolute delight to teach you.’ He heaved a deep sigh and it was easy to see there was much he wanted to say to us, but in the end he just said, ‘I wish you well. Pop along and see Mr Clauson — he wants a word before you go.’

  As we walked to the principal’s office, Rachel said, ‘I hate saying goodbye. I wish we could just leave and everyone would forget we had ever been here.’

  ‘If only! You know, Nelson is going to be so different,’ I said. ‘It will be odd to be at a school with no worldly people.’

  It would be good though — for the first time ever, we’d look and speak the same as our classmates. Here, almost all us girls of the Faith shortened our skirts by turning over the waistbands, even if it was against the Rule to wear immodest clothing. We did it to avoid being teased and we believed the Lord did not mind.

  Mr Clauson’s door was open. ‘Ah! Come in, girls. Let me guess who is which.’ He pointed at me. ‘Rachel?’

  I shook my head, smiling.

  ‘Wrong again! Sit down. Good. I’ve got something for you. I hope you’ll like it.’ He handed me a big manila envelope. ‘Don’t open it now. Wait till you get home.’ His smile faded. ‘Rebecca. Rachel. Make the most of all the education you can get. You’re clever girls, both of you. Daniel and Miriam are out in the world now, using their brains. Your brains are just as good as theirs.’

  We flinched to hear the names of our banished brother and sister. He didn’t notice.

  We got to our feet, both of us at the same time without needing to check with each other.

  ‘Thank you, sir. We have to go now,’ Rachel said.

  Mr Clauson rubbed his hands over his face, and it was some moments before he spoke. ‘Good luck then. And always remember, you’
ve got good brains. Don’t waste them.’

  ‘No, sir. Thank you for your concern.’

  We almost ran from the room.

  ‘What do you think is in the envelope?’ Rachel asked as we headed home.

  I shrugged. ‘A certificate of wonderfulness probably.’

  ‘I hope not,’ my sister said.

  So did I. Our father would frown, and pray for us to be spared the sin of vanity.

  WE GAVE THE ENVELOPE to Mother.

  ‘Put it on the table,’ she said. ‘Your father will open it when we have eaten.’

  As we went about our afternoon chores, the envelope sat there, mysterious and sealed. Whenever Abraham passed one of us, he had a different idea about what it might contain.

  ‘It’s gotta be money,’ he said as I was getting the washing in.

  ‘It’s a letter to our new school,’ he told Rachel while she was changing Zillah’s nappy.

  His guesses got crazier the closer it got to Father coming home. ‘Well, if it’s not a treasure map, it has be a design for a gizmo to teleport us back to Wanganui.’

  Magdalene and Luke said little, but each of them looked at the envelope often, questions in their eyes.

  Father came home. He said grace. We ate, and he didn’t mention the envelope until we children had cleared away the plates and done the dishes. ‘Who gave you this, daughters?’

  ‘Mr Clauson, Father. He said he hoped we would like it.’

  ‘Abraham, fetch the letter opener from my desk.’

  Our brother scurried to obey.

  Father slid the blade under the flap to slit the top. We were silent as he pulled out a sheet of paper. It was blank. Abraham gave a hiss of disappointment, then Father turned it over.

  I caught a glimpse of brightness and of lightly sketched figures before he crushed the paper in both hands. I noticed the colour drain from Mother’s face. None of us children dared move.

  He bent his gaze on Rachel and me. ‘You knew what that worldly man gave you?’ It was clear he believed we did.

  ‘No, Father. We did not know,’ Rachel said.

  ‘The envelope was sealed. We did not open it and we did not ask questions.’ My heart hurt. He should know we wouldn’t do anything to distress him.

  It seemed he believed us. ‘Of course you did not. I apologise. I will pray to the Lord for forgiveness.’

  Before Rachel or I could stop her, Magdalene said, ‘I do not understand! What was it?’

  Father’s face grew grim again, but Rachel and I spoke together before he could say anything else. ‘Father, may we explain to Magdalene? We will pray with her for forgiveness.’

  We watched him, hoping he wouldn’t make her spend tomorrow in the discipline room. Then I remembered we were leaving for Nelson in the morning. None of us would pass any more days in that tiny room, although we guessed the house we were going to would have a similar space.

  Magdalene was shrinking in her chair by the time he finally spoke. ‘Magdalene, go with your sisters. Listen to them. Pray with them and then you will go to bed.’

  She bowed her head. It was an hour earlier than her normal bedtime but she’d had a lucky escape.

  The three of us left the room just as Father stood up. ‘I will burn this piece of godlessness.’ His eyes swept over us five children. ‘You will not discuss it. Do you understand?’

  We hustled our little sister away before she could ask how we were to explain it if we weren’t to discuss it. We shut our bedroom door and sat in a huddle on Magdalene’s bunk. She stared at us, her eyes wide and frightened.

  Rachel hugged her. ‘You have done nothing wrong.’

  I took her hand. ‘It was a painting. It must have been one Miriam did.’

  Now she really did cry. ‘I want to see it. It is not godless. She loved us. Esther said she did.’

  We were quiet. Our cousin Esther who’d come to us from her worldly life had told us many things Father would disapprove of. She hadn’t been afraid to disobey him by speaking of our banished sister.

  ‘Yes, Miriam loved us,’ Rachel said. ‘But not enough to stop painting and drawing.’

  ‘Magdalene, Father will ask you if you understand, so listen carefully. Okay?’

  She nodded, sniffing the tears away.

  I said, ‘The Rule says it is a sin to create ungodly images. We put scripture on our walls, not photographs or paintings. Miriam’s paintings were not godly. She painted and drew people.’ She’d drawn each of us separately and all of us together as a family.

  ‘Do you understand why Father was angry?’ Rachel asked.

  Magdalene nodded. ‘He does not like to be reminded of Miriam.’ She thought for a moment. ‘Or Daniel. Or Esther.’

  ‘That is right,’ I said. ‘They are dead to us. We are not allowed to speak of them.’ I bent to whisper. ‘You can talk to us. Just make sure Mother and Father will not be able to hear.’

  She sighed and leaned against me. ‘I do not want to go to Nelson. I do not want to forget Miriam and I do not want to forget Daniel. Or Esther.’

  Rachel kissed the top of her head. ‘You will not forget them. It does not matter where we live. They will always live in our hearts.’

  ALL TWENTY-THREE Faith families left Wanganui early the next morning in a long convoy of cars.

  Father would drive the whole way now that Daniel was banished from the Faith. Mother sat in the front next to Father. Our baby sister Zillah was in her car seat next to Luke, with Abraham beside him. In the back of the car, Rachel and I put Magdalene between us.

  None of us had been outside Wanganui before, so there was much to interest us. There was no time, though, to stop anywhere to explore, and in any case, Father wouldn’t have wanted us to be around worldly people any more than necessary.

  The ferry crossing was smooth, but the motion of the ship did not agree with Mother’s stomach, so we took the children away to let her rest. We were all entranced with the novelty of the ship, but it was hard work for Rachel and me to keep up with Abraham, Luke and Magdalene’s excitement, and carry Zillah as well.

  Both of us were weary by the time we got back in the car for the drive to Nelson.

  WE WERE PLEASED with our new house — it was in a cul-de-sac, partway up a hill. Our worldly neighbours seemed pleasant, and the house two away from ours had a garden full of flowers. I couldn’t help thinking of Miriam, of how she’d have wanted to capture the vibrant colours in a painting.

  It was against the Rule to think of her, or of Daniel.

  WE HAD BEEN IN our new house three days when our front door opened and a voice called, ‘Praise the Lord.’

  It was Tirzah, who’d written to welcome us. Another girl was with her. ‘This is Abigail.’

  Mother came to greet them, drying her hands on her apron. ‘Welcome to our home, Abigail and Tirzah. I am Sister Naomi.’

  ‘Our mothers send their greetings,’ Abigail said.

  Tirzah asked, ‘Sister Naomi, may we show Rachel and Rebecca the park? We could take the younger children too.’

  Mother smiled and gave us permission.

  The girls led us down the hill and along the road to a park. Abraham and Luke took off but Magdalene stayed close to us.

  Tirzah said, ‘Everyone’s so looking forward to meeting you all. Did you have a smooth crossing on the ferry? Elder Stephen prayed for the weather to be calm.’ She giggled. ‘You’d better tell him it was dead flat if he asks you.’

  ‘Who is Elder Stephen?’ Rachel asked.

  The girls gaped at us. ‘He’s our leader,’ Abigail said.

  ‘He’ll be your leader too, now,’ Tirzah said.

  ‘But — Elder Ezra is our leader.’ I couldn’t understand it. Surely he wouldn’t give up the leadership so easily?

  Now our new friends looked upset. ‘Didn’t you know? Elder Ezra isn’t strong. It’s his heart — Elder Stephen told us he’s worn it out in the service of his people. The Lord told Elder Stephen that Elder Ezra must save his strength be
cause the people need his wisdom.’

  ‘No, we did not know that,’ Rachel said.

  ‘We’re sorry to break the news to you like that,’ Abigail said, then she grinned at us. ‘You don’t need to speak seemly with us. We always shorten our words except when there are adults around.’ She leaned towards us to whisper, ‘It’s what all us kids here do.’

  We looked at each other, then at her. ‘We will pray about it. We do not want to be different, but we do not want to grieve our parents.’

  The girls shuddered. ‘Of course not! We’re always very careful to speak seemly around any adult.’

  Two

  The Rule

  The Children of the Faith will obey their Leader, for the Lord speaks through him.

  IF RACHEL AND I HAD KNOWN what was in store for us at our first service of worship at the Nelson temple, we would have been ill with nerves. We certainly wouldn’t have looked forward to it as much as we had.

  It began normally enough. We were sent straight to the kitchen, along with five other girls. The two older ones, Talitha and Kezia, were from Wanganui, while Abigail, Tirzah and another girl were from Nelson.

  ‘This is Drusilla,’ Tirzah said, introducing us to the girl we hadn’t met. ‘Remember I told you? Her father is in partnership with yours and mine.’

  Being new didn’t stop Kezia from being her usual bossy self. We were used to her, but we often saw the others tighten their lips to shut off a retort as she ordered them around.

  When everything was ready for morning tea, we took off our aprons to go into the big hall to hear Elder Stephen preach.

  I’d expected him to be like Elder Ezra — loud, commanding and fierce — but the only thing they had in common was that they were both old and dignified. Elder Stephen was tall and stooped, his hair grey and his body lean. When he looked out at us, his eyes seemed to see right into my soul. His voice surprised me — almost gentle but very clear. It, too, seemed to fly straight into my soul. I shivered and made up my mind never to give him cause to notice me.